You can skip this one if you like.

This has been a hard week for both Brent and myself. Brent has worked a ton. The resort he was cleaning chairs at totally miscalculated how many chairs they had for the guys to clean by about 700 or so, so they had to bust their behinds to get it done in the alloted time. That meant late hours and early mornings. He worked from 8-8 on Wednesday. That type of work was also hard on his body, so he's been really stiff and sore. I have had a crummy week b/c I've been worn out by the kids. Callie has been really fussy, crying a ton and I can't seem to do anything to help. This is probably more honest and candid than I'd like to be on something that others may read, but I think its incredibly hard to be a mom. Way harder than I thought before I had kids. I thought I'd be a great mom, full of love and gentelness and great craft projects. I thought my kids would marvel at what a wonderful mom they got and that we'd all just live happily ever after. I think I was really niave about all that. So far all my ideas are just that: ideas. I feel like I stink at the whole gentelness thing, and my kids certainly aren't marveling. I think I've always been maybe a little more critical of myself than is healthy, but that is only b/c I want the best from myself. I find myself just wanting to go on autopilot with the kids sometimes. I'm finding that having kids teaches you so much about yourself, and mostly what its taught me so far is that I don't like much of myself. I'm certainly not patient. I take things too personally. I get irritated at things I shouldn't, and too often. But mostly I'm finding that I am very selfish. I want MY own time. I don't want to do everything the kids ask just b/c they want to. I just wish I could be less selfish. I want to do what they want to do always, and with a good attitude. But how? I think that what I'm doing by raising kids is too important not to do the best I can, and I don't think I'm doing the best. I want a whole bunch of wisdom NOW, so I can not mess it up. We were talking about what we would define as a "sucessful" life at youth group on Wednsday and my top answer was my family and the legacy I left for them. I know that I'll never be the perfect mom, but I just want to be better than I am now.